let go

i know the major theme behind AA, NA or any other 12 step group is to let go of the false image of control. i am starting to see the bliss of this in everyday life. i try and try to fix things for people but when i decide to give the problem back and not make it mine, i feel such a tremendous relief. it's liberating and scary to not have control over everything.

and i'm the one with food issues!

L - i wish you weren't my mom, anymore.

(quiet, trying not to respond by laughing or being mean, i am moody after all)

L - mom, can i have a treat?

Me - Lyra, you just got through telling me that you don't want me to be your mom. Why would I want to give you a treat?

L - but i want a treat

Me - that's not a nice thing to say

L - but i want one.

Me - no, it's not nice to say you don't want me to be your mommy. it's ok to be mad at me but don't say mean things to me, please.

L - i wish i didn't have a dad or brother. i just want a momma.

(frown)

L - can i have a treat?

Me - (huff) you can have a banana

L - no

Me - if you are hungry, you'll eat a banana

L - i only love you a little bit

i need some rugs

so, magic erase doesn't get washable markers out of wood floors (unfinished floors). neither does oops, hairspray, soap and water, lots of cursing, special scrubs by the 2-year-old culprit or staring in disbelief.

manic?

hm..i just realized that manic is probably the opposite of a good descriptor for me. oops...what's another good M word...middling, moody, mellow?

beerfest

so, i decided to give this movie genre another chance since eric finds them so humorous. what i discovered is that i don't care if i am a movie snob, anymore. i cannot stomach watching a bunch of beer-guzzling adults whack off frogs and drink ram piss. it's just not funny. i don't get the point. what am i missing?

testing this thing out...

so, today wasn't all that eventful. if you know anything about my recent situation then you know that this is good news. no nausea! hala-freakin-lula! i switched from cymbalta (that was supposed to cure the withdrawal from effexor but had it's own god-awful side effects) back to prozac. whew. not as effective with mood but so much nicer on the stomach, head, etc. my dear friend tammy recommended b-12 subligually and i swear that addition helps, even if it's only in my head. because isn't all of this "only in my head," anyway? but now i am back to those strange, unpleasant thoughts upon waking in the middle of the night. it's as if i am not completely in my body and my subconsious is more awake than my consious and it's telling me odd things about this life state. weird, i know. not sure how better to relay that thought process...it's like (and again, not sure if anyone else feels this way) when you are in awful pain or severe illness and you just can't think of anything positive. i have never been able to master the fine art of meditation but one aspect that i utilize, that i try to do when i am in these midnight trances, is deep breathing and attempting to avoid latching on to the negative thoughts...

well, that's all for now. gotta eat a grilled cheese and prepare for the double eviction on bb8 tonight! ;)