courage

"In order to achieve anything, you must be brave enough to fail" - Kirk Douglas

Pondering how this applies to me now. brave enough to stay at my job or brave enough to leave it?

brave enough to name gratitudes in the midst of depression, frustration and guilt? does that even make sense?

i am grateful for our babysitter who gave me time with my husband this weekend.
grateful for the bay, always serene
for hope and breaks and crochet
my kids, my husband, my nieces and nephews

i have to remember that it's easy to list gratefuls on a good day. it works the best to list them on difficult days.

damned depression

Depression has been my nemesis for many years. Medication seems to be the only relief for me but sometimes those stop working. I constantly tell clients to be patient, work with doctors, be your own best advocate...what's my impulse when meds stop working, though? stop taking them. believe maybe no meds will work and wouldn't i rather be med-free? if only that worked! :) luckily this change in thinking only lasted about a week. I took my meds and already feel some relief. damn it. so my grateful today is meds. i hate to need them but thank god for them.

long time...

i lost my momentum. gratitude should not seem a chore. here goes!

lyra - such a reminder of the girl i used to be. i love her and my girl so much
leo - a mirror of his father's gentle spirit and his grandfather's intellect. he makes me laugh
sawyer- can a person be born funny? this silly kiddo sure was. he also mirrors his mother some with those moods and sensitivity.
eric - he is the man. he never stops, never gives up. my inspiration, my heart, my husband

i could say many more things and i will in future posts but those are the closest to my heart and give me reason for gratitude every breath they take.

summer days drifting away...

"best vacation ever!" cried my 2 oldest. that sums it up. i'll get right to the gratefuls today because there are so many!

• My family:

 Lyra, Leo, Sawyer, & Eric (not pictured)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

•  dramamine = me and Leo riding the Shivering Timbers roller coaster at Michigan's Adventure!

•  Children's Museum

•  dvd players in the car
• my grandma came to see us! check her out! she's 78! can i please look that good even at 68?

 Danielle and Joe came and actually spent time talking and hanging with me and my clan.

• (Danielle's making me an aunt again!!!!)
• My father (and step mom, Lynne) came to visit, too!

•  sunny days throughout the vacation
• Blue moon

S'mores

the one beautiful spot in Rapid City :)

sooo many memories to cherish xoxo

flowers convey so much...

flowers for no reason have to be the best surprise ever. thanks for making my grateful list so easy, my love!

no time like the present

so, i am rushing to get out of work and head home. my thought was - i'm in a rush and don't have time to blog. but that's a cop out and i'm trying to stop doing that. so brief but meaningful is the message today. still working on that assertivenes business. it came up in group tonight and a client stated that she didn't want to be "bitchy." bitchy to share her opinion, her feelings, her fears? these ladies have addiction biting at their heels but are risking relapse in order not to make another feel uncomfortable? i think this assertiveness thing is bigger than i imagined.

anyhoo...

so grateful...

• that my husband has decided not to work saturdays anymore!
• farmers' market
• braids make my hair wavy
• beach sundays
• job prospects
• my children bring so much joy to my world
• getting through less-than-joyous days
• hope

speak up!

one of the messages i give again and again is the importance of being assertive. so many of us have the tendency to hide our emotions because we fear them. we fear that they are unimportant, wrong, or that they might anger others. I try to help clients understand and believe that they are important and worthy of respect, happiness, and love. We work together on how to express themselves appropriately but assertively. So, why is it when I feel affronted, my impulse is to shut down, shy away, and pretend nothing is wrong. What an eye-opener. I practiced, somewhat messily, my own advice yesterday and i'm  not sure it helped much. however, i will say that i didn't regret the words after they were out. i stand behind them. i just have to be prepared for whatever reaction might follow. how old am i? sheesh.

ever grateful, though -

• my husband's unending love to me and our children
• my cozy bed
• big brother is on tonight
• my work day allows me some alone time in the morning
• temperatures are comfortable
• books on tape (cd, actually)
• the education my clients offer me each day

roller coaster ride...

When I was 18 years old, my uncle told me that the years would begin to fly by and before i knew it, I'd be his age. I'm not there, yet but that was nearly 20 years ago but feels like last week. He has since passed along with countless moments. When I close my eyes, I feel that roller coaster depicted at the end of "Parenthood." Some days, it makes me dizzy, others I'm terrified. Today, I think I'll close my eyes and let go...

My gratefuls:

• my son who says "i love your heart"
• my husband
• my daughter who laughs with her whole body
• my son with the wisdom of an old man
• windy summer days
• cherry season

"Beautiful for you, momma"

Summer in Traverse City is the most beautiful thing I've experienced (just ask National Geographic http://travel.nationalgeographic.com/travel/best-trips-summer-2012/#/traverse-michigan-summer-trips_52799_600x450.jpg). Beginning each day with meditation, crocheting or listening to an audio book at the beach has definitely been a highlight of my job change. But I continue to look for another job. For obvious reasons - more money, benefits. But part of me questions my other motives...am I ever satisfied? Can we take goal setting and advancement too far? Or am I really compelled to leave this job because I'm done and ready to try something else? Hm..for today, I choose to be grateful to have the job at all.

 Other gratitudes:

• My 3-year-old son always shows me flowers or jewelry and says "beautiful for you, momma!"
• Crochet
• clients who no-show (is that terrible?)
• ice-cold water
• mini date with the hubs yesterday
• Pandora radio
• film fest tonight!

never too late to be thankful

It's already Thursday and I haven't listed any gratefuls. Eek...

• the beach
• Tuesday with my kiddos
• Eric's heart
• pinterest
• rain
• cool summer evenings
• Leo's wit
• Lyra's sweetness
• Sawyer's lovey-dovey-ness
• birthdays to bring family together
• TCFF next week!! http://www.traversecityfilmfest.org/

loving life because...

lunch outside with my husband
snuggles with my Soy boy
Tori Amos
Friday
Traverse City beauty
book club

rainy day gratitude

Some days are harder than others to find gratitude. As a therapist, I suggest to my clients that it's on those days that it's most important to find gratefuls. So, I'm gonna swallow a heaping spoonful of my own medicine.

Gratefuls:
I have a job that is fulfilling most days
My husband loves me unconditionally
orange sunglasses left in my office make me smile
opportunities in unlikely places
friends with insanity like mine
rain keeps tourists away from the bay so i can meditate alone

Hot summer Sunday

can't figure out how to turn the image on blogger...

AIRCONDITIONING
Pinterest craft ideas
Time with my amazing daughter, Lyra
Big Brother
Sue Miller
Ibuprofen
Louis C.K.
Pillow top
Movie night with my hubs

GRATITUDE...

4 years since my last post?! I don't even know how that's possible. I've made a new commitment to myself to keep a gratitude journal. Perhaps I will attempt to post more interesting things at times but at minimum, I will note my gratefuls for the day. The purpose is to stay mindful and present rather than future trip or dwell in the past. For every negative thing in my life, there are probably 100 positives and my perspective will dictate how moody I am. :)

1. my husband took all 3 kids to their destinations today - that is my number 1 stressor, most days so goddess bless him
2. Stephen King's Duma Key is amazing
3. maintenance Mike installed a keyboard tray to help save my wrists
4. air conditioned office
5. peers to vent my frustrations to when groups go awry
6. Sawyer got his cast off yesterday!!
7. no groups to run today
8. sunny outside